Fake It Til' You Make It

Battles are won and lost both on and off the field.  A plan is essential to any truly successful campaign, whether its war or politics.  I usually only read Cosmo in line at the Supermarket but now I bought a copy,  also Woman's Day, and Elle.  I wrote Dr. Phil a very long and moving letter which never was answered. I wrote Oprah also but she had ignored me before so it wasn't as hurtful. All the girls (and published literature) said the best way to get my husband back was to play coooool.  If he wanted another woman, I'd become one.  I got a wig and pink and whites.  A personal trainer.  Skinny jeans. Every time we talked, I was at a party, hiking with a club, attending a singles' event.  These were not lies because we had managed to buy our retirement home in a gated neighborhood which offered all these things.  I played trivia on Tuesdays with a group which included a Nudist.  He did invite me to Sunny Valley (I swear this is true, here in the Bible belt we have a 40 acre Nudist Camp) for the day but I declined, seeing as how I spent more time talking to the trainer about my husband, than training.  Besides I got too tickled just thinking about Volleyball and Bowling.  Horseback riding, now there's a picture. I went to the Monday Night Picnic and made friends with the girls who golfed and signed up for lessons.  I told everyone my story and got a pretty good laugh.  Didn't matter what I did, I smiled.  Now the reality could have been the I cried through Knocked Up alone in a movie theater, but you won't ever hear it from me.  It was dark in there and I brought my own tissues.  Also if my husband made a deposit in the checking account, I made a withdrawal.  I know you think that's too easy and surely he would have figured that one out, but what can I say.  On line banking and a private detective are suggested in every divorce article I read. It took three withdrawals before he called me on it. Maybe he didn't know we had branches of Wachovia up here in this desolate place. Now you could chalk that up to emotional trauma but I think he was just so used to me being a good, nice and fair person that he expected no less of me.  After all I was "Not that kind of Girl".  I read on line until the wee hours of the morning memorizing every post on how "I Successfully Won Back My Husband"  and "How to Get Your Man Back". I was sweet and then insane, but I was not as insane as he was, so I thought I was handling things pretty well. I talked to my attorney and our accountant and decorated my little mountain home.  Girlfriends visited and we went to dinner and I kept smiling.  All the time my heart was absolutely breaking in two.  Most days I felt like someone had reached up through the ground and grabbed my heart and pulled it right out through the soles of my feet.  It hurt to the very bone.  He wasn't much, but he had been mine and I loved that man so to heck with playing coooool.  I had to do something. But what......