Its Not the Lyrics of a Country Song, Its My Life

A lot of people have asked me what I think happened to my marriage, to my husband.   I have spent a great deal of time trying to see the reason for all that has happened to me.   To say that I haven't learned anything would be untrue.  But to say I have learned everything would also be a lie. There were lots of warning signs along the way.  If you date anyone who tells you that they suffered from 5 concussions, tell them you enjoyed the evening and say goodbye.  With all the new science coming out about professional athletes and concussions, its better to be safe than sorry. Of course, if your husband or boyfriend has had a concussion, I am not saying if he buys a new flat screen TV and brings the 2l year old darling neighbor's daughter in to watch a porn movie, that he's crazy and forgive him. I am saying get a C-T scan and the name of an attorney. I don't say this to excuse my ex but I do believe that the brain can be damaged and that years later you may see its effects in personality changes and disorders. Also my ex was diagnosed with AADD in his 50s and was given Adderral.  Personality changes are frequent with that drug. Anger and aggression in particular.  An unforgiving and mean spirit can be a sin but it also could be a mental disorder. I am not in a position to diagnosis either.  On the other hand, I knew my ex husband had a history of being unfaithful and lying and I married him anyway.  Strong willed women think, it won't happen to me or our relationship is different.  We are "special" and "we are in love".  But the reality is every relationship is special in its own way and everyone is in love for about l5 minutes, especially men while having sex.  Even long term dating or living with the one you love is no guarantee that you won't wake one day to find Dr. Jekyll is now Mr. Hyde. Don't let anyone tell you people don't change, they do.  And not always in the worst ways. There is also another distinct possibility.  One I don't like to think about.  A possibility that the affair did not change my husband, but instead revealed him. A possibility that involves words like borderline personality, narcissistic, sociopath. If those terms apply then I know every moment was about manipulation.  Behind every kiss, every kindness, there was a lie.  Benjamin Franklin said that what does not kill us, strengthens us.  You can also find a version of that in the Bible and every country song every written. I do not want to be any stronger. I have lived through a heartbreaking experience and while I can see the silver lining I would have preferred to remain naive and loved. And I miss having a nice paycheck and someone to share it with. Mostly, I miss my husband. Or at least the person I thought he was.  The silver lining comes in being able to see that you were greater and stronger than the trials you faced.  As the song says, you are not the mistakes you make, you are not the sum of your fears.  You can rise above those things that break your heart.  I know that this sadness has brought me closer to God. Difficulties usually either make you seek God more or move away further.  It also can strengthen your relationships with those you love who have not abandoned nor mistreated you.  But in the end, you chose how you will handle what happens to you. This, of course, is not the end of the story.  Your story goes on as long as you do.  And so does mine.