Wanting to Go Home, When You Are Already There

My recent romance blunder has left me in somewhat reflective mood.  When I wasn't crying, feeling old and miserable and sorry for myself,  I have thought so much about leaving here.  I always promised myself after my last divorce that I would live in the present not looking to the future and wondering.  Not looking to the past and hitting myself over the head with former wedding china, old love letters and an empty bank account.  For some reason though during the last year or so I have only looked forward or back.  Few moments spent in the here, few feelings of the now. I think the isolation I felt has been of my own making.  I have not been as close to those I love here ( or even other places) as I could have been.  Instead I have pulled back from them.  Looking at them as I have the mountains. Loving them but not touching them or allowing them to touch me.  I have worked, worked, worked out and worried. The mountains of Jasper are dark blue and green and they welcome you with a quietness that is found so rarely in our world. On the dam at the lake, you see the colors of the hills, the shadows of the clouds reflected and you feel the breeze brushing your hair and passing softly on your cheek.   You can sit and swing and never hear another sound except the wind and the birds.  You can walk the trails and see the deer. Rather than run, they stand at attention and salute you and watch you pass, with no fear of you as in other places. You can see the bear, the turkey.  As much at home with you as you want to become with them.  The small cub above watched me with a calm composure because she found me in her home, my yard. You can not help but see in this beautiful place all the promises of happiness, something that I have so easily ignored. Finding instead, that you can long for something else, when really all around you is everything you need.  Maybe that was the lesson I learned.  To value what I have, when I have it, for however long I have it. What I have is now.  I am going to do a better job of holding it in my arms.