Getting Back on the Bike

Like a million other women, today I watched "the kiss" and thought how every woman deserves a prince.  I know guys think that is a hard act to follow, but for most women it is a given. You just do one thing a week especially for her.  Doesn't matter what it is.  One thing.  Vacuum, load of clothes, flowers, foreplay. Doesn't matter.  While one single tear ran down my cheek,  I came to the following conclusion: since my ex has decided he is mentally ill, I have decided I must be too not to be trying to get over him.  In an effort to move on with my life, I am once again going to try to "date".  Everyone says its just like riding a bike and I just have to get back on and try again. But, I know people who have died riding bikes.  One of the guys at the gym just got hit by a car this weekend and is in the hospital.  Since letting my Match.com membership go I can not tell you how many offers I receive to renew my subscription. They are now offering me 4 months for the price of 1.  Last month they were only offering 2 months.  I figure that at this rate all I have to do is wait and they will be giving me a year free in no time.  And at the rate my dating life has been going I could probably get a date in a year so that might work out OK.  While analyzing the Internet thing again I have gone on line to learn where to meet men.  Several sites suggest Home Depot but another suggested that better looking men hang in Lowe's.  We don't have a Lowe's but I am contemplating a day trip to see if that is true.  All the sites suggest you stand in the plumbing department and look cute and like you haven't got a clue. The later sounds easy.  I am getting out the self tanner this week in preparation for the cute part. Also suggested was standing around in book stores, casually passing through gardening, sports and home improvement sections. Stay out of self help and relationship isles.  I thought that was a good suggestion because I definitely would prefer a man who can read.  If I notice a good looking one moving his lips as he does it, I will turn and go the other way.  I think.  Also stay out of the romance department. The grocery store on Saturday night was listed. Starbucks made the list, anytime, day or night.  I can't have caffeine after lunch so I am not too sure about that one. One story related how a woman in Atlanta met her husband on I-285.  It must have been a l00 years ago because now I think you'd get run over by an l8 wheeler even trying to look for a man. Of course, traffic court might be a consideration.  Even a good man can make a mistake. Funerals were really high on the list but you'd have to go to ones of people you didn't really like or I think you'd be too depressed to flirt.  I have already tried the class reunion thing and did not find that to be successful.  Good fun, but no date.  Too bad I can't go back to school.  There you have a collective audience.  It's so strange for me to think that I'm out there looking like this and some man's out there looking. You'd think we'd just run into each other, somewhere.   I hope its not on I-285 going 80.

Prayer in the Mist of the Storm

In the wake of the terrible storms that devastated much of Alabama and N. Georgia yesterday evening, instead of publishing my selfish and superficial blog about me, tonight I just want to thank God that all of my family is fine and all those that we love are safe.  I ask that God be with all those who are suffering and protect us as we struggle to recover and repair.   Help us to focus not on what has been taken from us, but rather to focus on what we have been given. Tomorrow is soon enough to be silly and spoiled, again.

Sharing the Good, Bad, the Tastefully Coordinated

I got a text this past week. It's two sentences were as weighty in content as any novel. In two sentences a whole world of hurt, frustration and pain was not only revealed but explained. My ex said "I have been reading about bipolar.  I seem to fit the profile."  We live in a society that is open and almost irritating in its divulging of details about people's life.  Saying this in a blog where I am telling my deepest and darkest secrets is a perfect example of this honesty run a muck.  Catherine Zeta Jones has come forward and revealed her struggles and now it seems that everyone is facing some kind of personality disorder.  Charlie Sheen and Lindsey Lohan have become the poster children of insanity and we as a nation just can't get enough of them. Now after all that has happened, my ex has found his niche in the world of mental illness. I am not saying this because I disagree.  In fact, I think he of all people is most qualified to explain what he has done and why. Its just I wonder if that we are kinda' replacing Flip Wilson's "the devil made me do it" with "my bipolar made me do it". And I am not sure if that means that I have to be even more understanding and forgiving than I have been.  Do I have to pray for him more or can I pray for him less? I know that a small part of me wants to yell "See, I told you that it was you" but another part feels terrible because I do believe he has a mental illness and I have been discussing his "devil made me do it" actions pretty openly.  I also wonder that if every time someone does something horrible that has terrible consequences to other people, we as a society keep coming up with a diagnosis, will we ever get to the point were we say enough is enough.  Don't you have to say, "OK, I may have a mental disorder, but I did all that stuff and hurt all those people, I did it"? Without taking responsibility for our actions, can we ever take responsibility to get better, to do better? If we are victims of a mental illness, and if every time we do wrong, its the disease; we lose what separates us from animals, free will.  That and our ability to accessorize.  Without those two, we all might as well, move into the caves. Believe me his text leaves a lot unsaid.  But I know he knows the truth or at least is looking for it. And I do so hope that his children don't get him one of those upright tombstones when he passes,  it will be so hard for me to dance on it.  Now I need to go out and buy a pair of earrings and choose the paint color for my cave.  And as to my blog, I also got an email from two other people who said "I know what you mean".  To someone who wants to share through the written word, there is no greater compliment, than to be told " I read what you wrote, and I found a piece of myself in your words". Thank you for letting me share.

Easter Greetings

This week a very polite and not bad looking young man asked me out. He is at least l5 years younger than I which should be a turn on, but instead I stuttered and stammered around and said no. I still am not sure why.  I think I told him the truth, that I wasn't ready to date but when I said it, it surprised even me.  It has been 2 years now since my divorce and even though I know it is stupid, I am not over my ex. Or over the shock and hurt of what has happened.  It truly isn't that I think he's coming back, or that I think he should.  No one could read my story and determine that we were meant for each other.  Its just that when I think about loving someone, its always him.  What is it within the human mind, the human spirit that causes us to love?  There was a story on Fox News the other day about a missing girl and the cameras showed her family out looking for her.  It isn't surprising that we would walk all over the world to find the one we love.  But what is surprising is how many people who didn't even know the missing girl were also looking for her.  And many of them were moved to tears thinking that it could have been someone they loved.  They looked for one they didn't know, feeling the pain as if it were their own child, sister, neighbor, friend.  This week I am thinking of several people in my life that I feel are missing. They aren't really lost, but there is a place in my life, in my heart, at my dinner table, where they have been and now there is an empty spot that only they could fill.  I wish I could form a search party and round them up and bring them home.  I wish that they were here to eat the Easter ham, hide the eggs and sample the chocolate bunnies.  I would gladly give them one of my peeps. Nothing takes the place of our loved ones during the holidays, not even a young man who has watched too much TV and believes in the cougar phenomenon.  If he only truly knew what he is missing.  Happy Easter to all of you and hold tight to the ones you love.

Birdhouses 102

My birdhouse took second place in the Annual ArtFest in Jasper, Georgia, this past weekend.  Last night  I was recognized by the Arts Association in an after hours soiree.  In Jasper that's french for finger food and beer.  Hillbillies, artists and gay guys. Where do I live?  I had hoped for first place (and the assigned prize money) but was moved into the fine arts category where the competition was fierce. They have real artist in this small mountain town.   I am proud though.  Now if I can find a market for them.  The ones above are named "Formal Garden Party-Tails Optional" and "My Ladies Boudoir-A Fine Feathered Nest".  Birdseed can be placed in the china saucers at the front.  After construction I use a varied selection of jewelry, broken and small china and antique bits and pieces of things that I have gathered over the years or found at yard sales.  One house also has a small ladies handbag and a velvet glove, an old watch and pearls.  Old spoons and antique hat pins add interest. An old linen napkin and a ladies hanky add some texture. A miniature cup and saucer or teapot serve as a chimneys.  A vintage enameled lipstick is used as a perch.  I design each birdhouse around a theme and then look for items to complete the project.  My booth at Burnt Mountain Trading Company here in Jasper will carry the birdhouses and I plan to start putting them on eBay.  The dear carpenter friend I have mentioned before seemed to have vanished since I turned down an after class invitation but he resurfaced for the presentation.  I had been a little ddiscouraged about continuing to build but I know I can do these by myself.  The other projects like benches and yard art will be difficult.  Maybe I can train a bear or dear.  I think that would be easier than getting a boyfriend.  A boyfriend with a truck and his own power tools.  Heaven on earth. Maybe I should just go get the truck myself. And a dog.

Its Not the Lyrics of a Country Song, Its My Life

A lot of people have asked me what I think happened to my marriage, to my husband.   I have spent a great deal of time trying to see the reason for all that has happened to me.   To say that I haven't learned anything would be untrue.  But to say I have learned everything would also be a lie. There were lots of warning signs along the way.  If you date anyone who tells you that they suffered from 5 concussions, tell them you enjoyed the evening and say goodbye.  With all the new science coming out about professional athletes and concussions, its better to be safe than sorry. Of course, if your husband or boyfriend has had a concussion, I am not saying if he buys a new flat screen TV and brings the 2l year old darling neighbor's daughter in to watch a porn movie, that he's crazy and forgive him. I am saying get a C-T scan and the name of an attorney. I don't say this to excuse my ex but I do believe that the brain can be damaged and that years later you may see its effects in personality changes and disorders. Also my ex was diagnosed with AADD in his 50s and was given Adderral.  Personality changes are frequent with that drug. Anger and aggression in particular.  An unforgiving and mean spirit can be a sin but it also could be a mental disorder. I am not in a position to diagnosis either.  On the other hand, I knew my ex husband had a history of being unfaithful and lying and I married him anyway.  Strong willed women think, it won't happen to me or our relationship is different.  We are "special" and "we are in love".  But the reality is every relationship is special in its own way and everyone is in love for about l5 minutes, especially men while having sex.  Even long term dating or living with the one you love is no guarantee that you won't wake one day to find Dr. Jekyll is now Mr. Hyde. Don't let anyone tell you people don't change, they do.  And not always in the worst ways. There is also another distinct possibility.  One I don't like to think about.  A possibility that the affair did not change my husband, but instead revealed him. A possibility that involves words like borderline personality, narcissistic, sociopath. If those terms apply then I know every moment was about manipulation.  Behind every kiss, every kindness, there was a lie.  Benjamin Franklin said that what does not kill us, strengthens us.  You can also find a version of that in the Bible and every country song every written. I do not want to be any stronger. I have lived through a heartbreaking experience and while I can see the silver lining I would have preferred to remain naive and loved. And I miss having a nice paycheck and someone to share it with. Mostly, I miss my husband. Or at least the person I thought he was.  The silver lining comes in being able to see that you were greater and stronger than the trials you faced.  As the song says, you are not the mistakes you make, you are not the sum of your fears.  You can rise above those things that break your heart.  I know that this sadness has brought me closer to God. Difficulties usually either make you seek God more or move away further.  It also can strengthen your relationships with those you love who have not abandoned nor mistreated you.  But in the end, you chose how you will handle what happens to you. This, of course, is not the end of the story.  Your story goes on as long as you do.  And so does mine.

If Loving You was Wrong, It was Wrong

During the summer I was invited to the Gulf for a week and after six phone calls and twice that many emails, my ex consented to allow me "visitation" with my dogs. We had agreed to liberal visits but with him so far away, and uncooperative, that had not happened.  While talking with him in person, he seemed rather uncomfortable and nervous.  He told me over and over how "content" he was without me, or anyone. In fact he volunteered that he never thought about sex, just money.  But he was so very happy.  I did notice his leg jiggled a lot. I had come to spot that as a sure fire lie detector, second only to his lips moving.  But he was volunteering all the info, so I listened.  It hurt my feelings some to think he'd rented a house right across from the one we had owned a few years before as a summer house.  I had loved it.  Now, this may be a little difficult to explain without running the risk of prison, late alimony or a federal investigation but I found out my ex had moved again just a few weeks later.  I wasn't surprised.  I mean we moved a lot during the years, but it had only been a few months and he was gone again.   I knew he was thinking about it because he had called me and asked if I would commit fraud on the federal level and lie on a loan application and say "No, he doesn't have to pay me that alimony. I was supposed to get it but its fine if he doesn't".  Like I would want to do that to make him happy and that the person I told that lie to wouldn't think it was a lie. The only surprise in his action was that he didn't notify me or give me an address change.  It was just another one of those times when you find out something and know its by the grace of God. When I got the address, I immediately went on line and began a property search for homes for sale at that address. Now it seemed that he had moved into a precious little cottage in Magnolia Springs, Alabama.   When we had first started dating, I had taken him to Magnolia Springs and told him that when we retired or I died, whichever came first, that Magnolia Springs was were I wanted to spend my eternity. Buy me a house or scatter my ashes but let me be there.  Every time I went to the beach I drove down those live oak lined streets and went to Jesse's for dinner.  I dreamed of living on the Magnolia River and lounging under a canopy of oaks with azaleas and wisteria everywhere.  I took him to the Cold Hole and told him stories about swimming with gators.  The little house looked exactly like me. I knew where it was located and had driven past it a hundred times. I sent pictures of it to my girlfriend.  She called and said, "No straight, single man would ever buy that house.  He has a girlfriend." I can't say that I didn't know the truth.  I did, but still I couldn't believe that he'd be involved with his ex daughter in law.  How can you sit around the table at Thanksgiving knowing you and your son both had.....well, you know? I didn't ask again though. But when he casually mentioned he had moved.....casually.... and described it as 3BR......I mentioned that he might want a roommate. That he might want that little non-English-speaking one he had so often talked about.  Then I said, "You might even want to live with your ex daughter in law. You seem so fond of her now that she's divorced your son and isn't asking for money every week or calling complaining about him". I can't tell you the number of times he told me she was a money hunger little gold digger.  Of course, he didn't admit that he had found love in is own family tree until the day she left him.  Then he told me how she had used him and insisted they buy the house and remodel and how he'd taken all of his 401k to make her happy. When others finally knew the old dog was up to the new trick, she'd gone home to Momma. So again life had just not been fair to him.  And hard to understand but he didn't seem to have much of a relationship with his son anymore either. He couldn't believe that it hadn't worked out.  They got along so well.  They had so much fun together.  How could it be wrong when it had felt so right?   I got out the dictionary to look up incest.

Ding Dong the Witch is Dead

Looks like they are celebrating, doesn't it? Cheers! This photo tells the story.  I found this picture on the camera I took with me in my hasty and hurtful departure from Lake Martin.  This big party must have been only days before.  Everyone looks really happy. But the truth is if it were not distorted you would see my ex is not smiling.   Somewhere deep in his heart, the pain he is causing to himself and to those he was supposed to take care of, provide for and love, must be crushing the good time. The young woman is the soon to be ex daughter in law, soon to be lover, celebrating her father in law's terrible decision, morally, ethically, spiritually and financially to have an affair and get divorced from his wife who loved him and betrayal of all the people who loved her. Now which witch was it that died? Oh, yes, it was the wicked witch.
One of the most important components of making it through rough and heartbreaking times is surrounding yourself with others who are strong, grounded and truly caring of you.  If you find in your life that the people you spend the most time with don't know their way around the Bible, the neighborhood or the English language, find some new people.  A recent study found that you are even more likely to be over weight if your friends are.  Even more importantly, just like your Daddy said, you will reflect the values of your friends. Have people in your life who know what matters.  Listen to them and let them help you.  If you find that in terrible times, the people around you do not understand the seriousness of your difficulties, seem to rejoice in your misfortune or have an interest or agenda of their own, you are not surrounding yourself with the right people.  My ex left me and surrounded himself with others who thought his getting a divorce from me was in their best interest financially and who saw my being out of the picture as an opening for them. He surrounded himself with people who did not help him see his responsiblities or shortcomings but who told him what he wanted to hear. Played to his weaknesses. It may work out that the best thing to happen to you was to get out of a hurtful marriage, or the breakup of a long time partnership or loss of a job, but only time will tell.  Hold on to the one who's holding you and the ones who are holding you up, not bringing you down.

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

All right,  I asked, "What is wrong with this picture?"  My ex and I communicated but something was up. He related some information but he seemed a bit reserved and evasive. He wasn't mean but he sure wasn't nice.  He acted like I meant about as much to him as a pickle in jar.  He could take me or leave me.  Dill or sweet, didn't matter to him.  It all seemed to depend on his mood.  Most of the news he shared was about his single daughter giving birth to a baby girl. His son was getting a divorce.  My ex told me he was moving to South Alabama.  He'd rented the lake house to the bug man.  The bug man.  Ok, we are talking a very expensive piece of waterfront property.  A pretty big investment and the bug man was renting it.  Now I have nothing against bug men. In fact, when I have bugs, I like them a whole lot.  Today I literally fell in love with the bug man when he promised to destroy the termites I had found before they destroyed me and my N. Georgia home, but, the bug man???? "You know, Joe Smo, (or whatever), the bug man." No, I didn't know him and I was willing to bet, neither did my ex.  Later when I went to Alabama and drove by the house, I knew the story. Before the house had been trashed, now it was trash.  From all appearances the house looked abandoned.  I parked and looked in.  The curtains were in shreds on the floor.  Trash everywhere.  Cabinet doors hanging off the hinges. Joe Smo had even moved the sauna from the rec room into the master bedroom where now it was scratching the hardwoods and taking up l/3 of the room. Even the ashes from the bar-b-q where dumped on the deck.  It was a miracle the house was still standing. Weeds and debris everywhere.  I called my ex and he said he knew already.  It seemed the bug man had failed to make the rent in months.  Threats of legal action had to be taken.  Once again my ex had been mistreated by life. "What's a guy got to do to get a break?" Maybe stop lying, cheating, being a jerk?  Later I was to learn that the house was back on the market for sale. It was cleaned up and painted and thanks to a hail storm, got a new roof. My accountant told me that a young woman came with my ex to pick out the paint colors and make arrangements for clean up.  "She just held on to his every word. Followed him around like a little puppy dog."  Who would think this man is smart and truly gifted?  Who would hang on to his every word? Thank God for Facebook.  All you gotta' do is look at the pictures.  Again, pictures told the story.  His  until recent daughter in law, now young, single, divorced from his son, was really smiling on his wall. My Lord, that girl used to be our babysitter.  I had known her for 20 years.  We had gone to church together. I knew she was the puppy dog type but wouldn't you want someone else to hold your leash? After all she'd seen the activity of the last year. But then, money talks and someone walks. He, of course, once again, denied, denied, denied. When I said, please, don't be sleeping with her; his answer was,  "You don't have to worry about that."  Taxes and Termites!  Now there's something to worry about!

The Grace of Not Having to Decide

I sit and look at this photo (distorted for purposes of this blog)and try to understand what has happened in my life. My sweet brother told me the other day I need to go back and talk about my first divorce.  It was really funny. And that was my sweet brother.  Now I can take a joke like anyone but this is getting to be a little worrisome.  In fact my insomnia has kicked in a lot since I started writing about this divorce.  I might never sleep again if I start talking about the other one.  When I study the photo, she seems to be enjoying the mess she's in (or I'm in) and he seems to be really sunburned and a whole lot angry. I considered painting horns on his head but he looks like he's in enough pain and she would probably like having them, so I pass that up.  I can selfishly look back and thank God that all matters are not in my hands. I see our President now making choices on the other side of the coin. Taking us to war when before he railed against it. Changing his attitude on many fronts when the matter is in his hands. I have thought about if I had to make the choice to send a beautiful young man to war, or another to prison.  To decide between a wife's life and an unborn child.  Who to save in a home fire?  Life is a series of choices, difficult and heartbreaking. Decisions are made and lives changed forever, and some times they are lost.  I know I am vain and the proof is that I couldn't understand why my ex didn't want me back.  I couldn't believe I didn't get the chance to throw water in his face or jump back in the fire with him. Just from a financial standpoint you would think that he'd want to recoup some of what he had lost, given up and squandered away. I am not a bad looking woman and tonight I took an hour belly dancing class just to prove I may be old but there's hope on the dried up part.  You'd think just to give our poor dogs of divorce a happy home again, the man would come back.  I looked at this from every angle.  I worried about it, analyzed it, prayed it over, went on line again looking for reason and clarity.  I wrote Oprah, Phil and even Ellen.  I figured, OK, he doesn't like to admit a mistake, OR he found out he could get a young woman(even I was impressed with what was under the blue wrap), OR I am a lot more "old and dried up" than I thought(no one is lining up to see under my wrap), OR he's just really  messed up, OR there's someone else in the story.  Now how in the world could he have already have someone else when I can't even get a date?  Yes, yes, I know it doesn't matter what a man looks like or how old he is if he has money.  He can even be kinda' creepy like Larry King.  But he has real money. A lot of my ex's was MIA.  I have recently read that a woman feels old at 29 but a man not until 58.  But my ex was now into his 60s.   And if there's another woman,  who in their right mind would be willing to do get involved with a man who'd just done what he did???  Easy. A woman who was more desperate and stupid than he is. Oh, Lord, there's one born every minute and some are just sitting around waiting for the house to fall on them in Oz.